dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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