I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Pants are for mortals
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
