Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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