if you like me you must not know who I am
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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