I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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