if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
