I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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