if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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