You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
