I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
