I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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