god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
