Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize