a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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