Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
