The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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