You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
