there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
