I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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