his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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