between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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