I'm so fucking centered right now
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
