when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
