The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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