i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Betty ford says i'm here all night
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
