He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
