she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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