The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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