you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it hurts more in the daytime
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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