I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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