I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
