He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
