Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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