i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
