my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
