Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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