I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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