Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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