Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
