its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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