allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
