Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
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just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
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I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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