Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
