The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
