Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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