My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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