So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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