So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
