You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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