Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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