I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
