If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
