New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
