we made out on top of his cat.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
