I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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