I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
