What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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