Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
