im six kinds of drunk right now
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
